Sabi nga dun sa isang kanta sa pelikulang Joseph the Dreamer, “if this is a test, I don’t see the reason.”

Iniisip ko kung bat kinakailangang ang mga nagmamahalan talaga yung dapat na magkahiwalay. Malayo sa isa’t isa. Bat tayo yung nagtitiis.

Not until, yun nga, yung New Years message ni Pastor. Tas yung kantang, Better Than I.

Angganda ng phrase na,

“let go the need to know why,

For you know better than I”

For sure, mahirap araw arawin ang ganitong pag-iisip. For sure, makaka-encounter ulit ng mga trials, tests etc. For sure, magtatanong ulit kung bakit.

Sana lagi Niyang ipaalala.

I know He will.

I’ve come face to face with this in my lifetime. It plays very good in my mind. The waiting a couple of years ago transcends to the waiting of yesterdays and nows — vivid images of forever bus-stop split second staying versus going, empty park benches, renovated waiting sheds, that ginormous shady tree at the Maceda-Espana junction all void of faith and swallowed with time that can never be repossessed. So well I can still smell your hair reeking of cheap shampoo that translated recollections of fingers running through hair, nape, back, shoulders when you finally land your arms around my waist. So good that I invented this sorrow of a ghost.

I own this moment now of infinite waiting and wanting to be wanted and questioning my own worth. Unfortunately. But there will never be the lanky you smiling sheepishly back at me while you wait for the traffic light to let you cross that highway of separateness to fall into my thoughtful rancid smile and break this rancour. There is only this hollow distance –

this vacuum in my chest, this complete choreography of indeterminants dancing in my mind. Why do we have to wait, how long must I wait, why are we apart, when is this gonna end, have we forgotten how so much alike we are that we promised to be together. Have we forgotten our own utopia?

ba’t parang bitin pa rin
kahit ano’ng gawin
hindi pa rin makuntento
hindi pa rin

hinahanap-hanap ka
hanggang ngayon sinta
hindi pa rin masanay-sanay
sa pag-iisa

tanong mo nga sa ‘kin
ano pa’ng aking gusto
ano pa bang ‘di nakukuha
ano pa ba

sagot ko naman sa ‘yo
wala na ‘kong gusto
kundi paulit-ulit-ulit
na ganito

gusto kong marinig ang boses mo
gusto kong halikan ang labi mo
gusto kitang yakapin
hanggang umaga

gusto kong marinig ang buhay mo
gusto kong halikan ang puso mo
gusto kitang kasama
hanggang may umaga

paghiwalayin

ang basura
ang mga nabubulok

at hindi

kung magpapasya ka
na ibasura

ang pag-ibig ko
maaari bang

gawin ito sa mga araw
ng lunes
miyerkules
at linggo

maliban sa mga araw na ito

hindi na

mangungulekta ng hindi

nabubulok

ang trak
ng basurero

Ganupaman, pitong taon ang nakakaraan pinangahasan mo akong mahalin. Mahal din kita kahit apat na oras at 1/4 ng mundo ang pagitan natin.

Salamat sa pitong taon. Apir.

Nash: Thank you. I’ve always believed in numbers and the equations and logics that lead to reason.

But after a lifetime of such pursuits, I ask,

“What truly is logic?”

“Who decides reason?”

My quest has taken me through the physical, the metaphysical, the delusional — and back.

And I have made the most important discovery of my career, the most important discovery of my life: It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logic or reasons can be found.

I’m only here tonight because of you [wife, Alicia].

You are the reason I am.

You are all my reasons.

Where The Wild Things Are OST
Motion graphic by Razaisyam Rashid